Back 4rom Hiatus

yep... i've been back for a while now, been feeling a little too devasted. Turned out there were goods and more bad from the vacation i couldn't wait to have. Anyway, the secret i was gonna tell, was that i was beginning to fall for AP. He just made my day each time, so i kept it a secret and wished it could last for ever.

I mean we looked like a match, somehow we waved the warning signs goodbye. I really felt like i knew him, for the first time i thought i could let go and let my heart decide. We thought we've got things figured out, always seemed to talk ourselves out of conflicts, which was all that mattered.

Infact i need not continue with the lurring details B'cos i might just break down... anyhow 4wks b4 end of vacation, something obviously went wrong, i apparently did not notice. I called AP's damn phone atleast 6times a day. I was confused b'cos nothing had changed and i couldn't figure why.

I even got upset and gave up calling, then i turned to email, that didn't work either. Not untill the 6th week did I get a rather brief and nonchalant mail saying "sorry, i'm out da country". I couldn't even express the rage that i felt, i didn't care to know what reason the mail had to offer.

How could AP say he cared but yet despised me so much, he had lied to me...so many times, even for the most stupid reasons but i always forgave AP b'cos i thought we belonged together, i should have known better to think of the end of the tunnel. The truth is that AP had a secret and was afraid of what i would do. He eventually mentioned it briefly in the last mail i receive from him 8wks later. And that was the last thing i can remember.

Now i sit in pain and think of what was and what is now? AP never said goodbye or sorry for hurting me, i know i don't deserve this. I was way down to earth and anxious to see things go right. I totally did not see this coming, days of sleepless night while i cling to my phone and longed for the voice on the other end. I could have been a B**ch and gone to bed. Now i lay in distress and ask myself why i had let my guards way down. I could have been the toughy i was and not tolerate.

By the 6th wk i knew it has all been a crazy summer fun...gone with the wind, like it never existed. I now understand that it might never resurface, so i try to get my priorities straight...but it's been hard. I just couldn't accept such exit without a closure, it's never been my nature to part without saying Goodbye. So i hoped to forget but still hoped to forgive and mend ways. Now almost 10wks later, It hits me that AP ain't coming back, that i am wasting my time. That was an unpleasant fact to accept, but i had to, so I learned how to deal, I've had it and I had to put a stop to it. It just occurred to me that he didn't know what i was worth and therefore didn't deserve me anyway.

With a different focus, and brighter days now, I hope to forgive AP but never forget his soul-less deed b'cos it was an experience and i can choose to go thru it again or learn from it. It's been new dreams each day and i've been feeling a lot better. So 'to hell with all the crying days and heartbreak', 'to hell with- what i could have, would have, should have, OOps ! didn't'. i tried my best but AP wasn't worth my best. It's all Over and I'm moving on. It wasn't easy trying to do so...but i know it's worth it. I've gotta reclaim my persona. it probably wouldn't be this way, if i hadn't chosen to be fooled. I'm sorry if anyone thinks otherwise...but it's my life and i can't afford to spend it gazing in empty spaces. where the stars never shine, where the rain pours with rage and the dawn last all day.